I'm treasured, I am sacred, I am His

So I apparently failed at my last committment to post regularly but I'm going to try again! Lots has happened in the past 3 months, I'd have to say they have been the hardest 3 months of our marriage, if not my life! I'd like to say that's the reason I haven't blogged, and it's part of the reason, but mostly it's just because I don't think of it. Anyways, I've been dealing with alot of personal and relational issues. Being confronted with my own brokenness and sin in ways that I never have before. But God has been (AND IS) gracious and has brought us through this time to be a better, stronger couple and it's amazing what He can redeem. Throughout the ups and downs of the past 3 months, I've been moved to emotions more deeply than I was used to; especially by music. There have been 3 songs in particular that have spoken to me not only in the darkest times - when I've felt the the most hopeless and horrible - but also in my life now - as I look back with immense gratitude for God being able to heal not only my own heart but the hearts of those who I caused pain to. It's interesting to hear these songs now and be able to smile and reflect on God's goodness and mercy and healing power and remember how not too long ago I would literally break down crying if the came on over the radio, overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, guilt and hopelessness. I've occasionally thought about how songs that are my "absolute favorite" songs at one point in my life get completely forgotten as life moves on. So I thought it would be good to write down the songs that have been able to express my emotions over the past months better than I can myself so that I can remember what God has brought me, Matt and our marriage through. The first, "Beautiful", by MercyMe is probably the most significant. It came on the radio the first day I realized what was in my own heart. When I was reeling from the realization that I had let something creep into my life that I was completely unaware of and finally faced the feelings I had been trying to ignore for so long. It spoke to me of what I felt, what I longed for. As time went on and I struggled with thoughts and feelings and actions I never thought I would be capable of, feeling like at times I had a handle and could let go of things and move on, and other times feeling like there was no way out and no point in trying, different parts of the song meant more to me than others. Being that the Fish plays songs reptitively, this song seemed to come on the radio at many crucial moments over the past few months reminding me of the truth. For the first month or so, anytime I heard it I would cry. Now, I can listen to it with joy as I think back on how I DID feel those things but that God has brought me hope and encouragement.

Days will come when you don't have the strength/And all you hear is you're not worth anything/Wondering if you ever could be loved/And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are made for so much more than all of this/You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His/You're beautiful Praying that you have the heart to fight/Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight/For all the lies you've held inside so long/But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are made for so much more than all of this/You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His/You're beautiful Before you ever took a breath/Long before the world began/Of all the wonders He possessed/There was one more precious/Of all the earth and skies above/You're the one He madly loves/Enough to die! You're beautiful!/You are made for so much more than all of this/You're beautiful!/You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His/You're beautiful!

"Come Ye Sinners Poor and Needy" is an old hymn that a friend who knew the situation read to me. It was a great reminder of my need to go to Jesus and that it was ok to need Him! We've sung it a few times in church since then and each time it humbles me again to remember that I need Him to overcome my brokenness and sin, it cannot be done on my own strength. Specifically the 2nd verse hit me; I don't have to have it all together before going to Jesus, I can go to Him broken and wretched as I am, that's when He wants us.

Come, ye sinners, poor and needy/Weak and wounded, sick and sore/Jesus ready stands to save you/Full of pity, love and power.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden/Lost and ruined by the fall/If you tarry till you’re better/You will never come at all.

Let not conscience make you linger/Not of fitness fondly dream/All the fitness He requireth/Is to feel your need of Him.

The last song, "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North, I actually didn't hear until I was through the dark times, but it still resonates with how I felt and the bridge is a reminder of God's purpose for taking me through those dark times. I remember feeling like the girl they sing about in the first verses...how did I get there? I'm not who I once was. I remember feeling like I didn't know who I was...the brokenness and vulnerability I was seeing in myself was foreign, I didn't know how to...be! But now, the chorus is what speaks most to me, that it's not about what's been done or where I've been, but where my brokenness has brought me to - a deeper understand of what Christ has done for me, that while I am yet a sinner, He died for me.

There's a girl in the corner/With tear stains on her eyes/From the places she's wandered/And the shame she can't hide She says, "How did I get here?/I'm not who I once was/And I'm crippled by the fear/That I've fallen too far to love" But don't you know who you are/What's been done for you?/Yeah don't you know who you are? You are more than the choices that you've made/You are more than the sum of your past mistakes/You are more than the problems you create/You've been remade. Well she tries to believe it/That she's been given new life/But she can't shake the feeling/That it's not true tonight She knows all the answers/And she's rehearsed all the lines/And so she'll try to do better/But then she's too weak to try But don't you know who you are? You are more than the choices that you've made/You are more than the sum of your past mistakes/You are more than the problems you create/You've been remade 'Cause this is not about what you've done/But what's been done for you/This is not about where you've been/But where your brokenness brings you to This is not about what you feel/But what He felt to forgive you/And what He felt to make you loved. You are more than the choices that you've made/You are more than the sum of your past mistakes/You are more than the problems you create/You've been remade

I have decided...

to start blogging again. More for myself than for anyone else, to document the everyday happenings of our lives. I would love to be one of those people that journals but I find hand writing takes too much time for me. I'm much more of a "typer". That being said, I don't really have anthing to say for this post.

My new guilty pleasure

Ok, so I LOVE pretty much anything mango. Trader Joe's "Just Mango" dried mango is so good that I can eat a bag on the 10 min. drive home from the store (sadly, I do this semi-often and a bag is 4 servings...). But now that summer's here, they have mango sorbet!!!!!!!!! It's mango perfection. Seriously, it's the ripest, sweetest mango you've ever tasted (it tastes real, not like it's been sweetened), without the strings, skin or seed and it's nice and cold! I could eat the whole thing in one sitting but thankfully THAT I've never done :) I highly recommend getting some if you like mango. And go soon because it's not always available. Trader Joe's only keeps it in stock (same with their dried mango) when mango's are under a specific price so they never have to raise the price of the product. I stock up on both whenever they're available!

Then and now

Anniversary!!!

Well, yesterday was our 1st anniversary! We celebrated by taking a trip to Colorado for 4 days. We left late Wednesday night and went straight to bed, had Thursday-Saturday, and then left Sunday in the evening. Here are some picture highlights!

The Queen Anne Inn Bed & Breakfast

Red Rocks State Park

Gorgeous buildings we saw walking around

Blue Bear sculpture at the Convention Center

Colorado State Capitol

Downtown Aquarium: An Underwater Dining Adventure At the end of our 90 min. bus ride

Hammond's Candy Factory

Butterfly Pavilion

2008 by Seasons...

Winter
-Wedding plans
-trip to Colorado to visit the Allevatos and my new cousin, Naomi
-first time flying on an airplane all by myself, scary but uneventful
-coorindated 3rd Annual Valentine's Day Dinner at church
-Matt and I spent a weekend cooking together for 70 kids at Winter Camp
-got married!!!
-amazing honeymoon in Coronado, CA
-dress shopping with my best friend Carri for her wedding in July

Spring
-Women's Retreat in Aliso Viejo, had a great time fellowshipping with other women, really enjoyed having Mandy come with me. We had great conversations in the car to and from (we got a little lost) as well as at the retreat!
-my 21st birthday & first EVER drink at Applebee's with my and Matt's families
-first trip to Big Bear with the family where we got our own room!
-4-day vacation in Rancho Mirage with the most amazing bed & shower
-took the sky tram up to the top of Mt. San Jacinto

Summer
-Mammoth Camping trip for the first time as a married couple. Had a blast with Matt's brother & nieces staying in a trailer with us (the girl's first time ever camping, they did GREAT)
-Carri & Mark's wedding
-helped coordinate the 1st Annual Art Festival at Granada
-Barbara & Jason's wedding
-for the 3rd year in a row coordinated all food for Burgers & Bands at Granada
-took Lily to practices and performances in the La Habra Depot's production of Willy Wonka Jr. She was an Oompa Loompa telegrammer :)
-co-coordinated a Women's Spa Day for with Amy Olson & my mom
-Dawna & Dave's wedding
-randomly deciding to look on craigslist for cheaper apartments and finding one!
-retaking wedding portraits
-going to see Walking with the Dinosaurs with my parents, Caleb, Matt, Michael, Alia and Danielle at the Staples Center

Winter
-moving into our new apartment in Uptown Whittier
-San Diego trip with my family. We went to Coronado for lunch, SeaWorld and the Wild Animal Park (Matt's first time!)
-The Gathering, a Sunday evening worship service for young adults started at our church and Matt and I got involved serving
-Thanksgiving with the Hamel family
-spent 3 hours painting faces at Snow Day
-Knott's Berry Farm with Tony and my sisters
-coordinated 3rd Annual Youth Ministry Fundraiser
-my sister-in-law Mandy got engaged at Knott's
-Matt's and my first Christmas tree, stockings and Christmas morning together
-enjoyed both the Allevatos & Makins visits (although they weren't long enough!)
-New Year's Eve at the Tucker's playing Trivial Pursuit and watching Rocketman!

The full story of Matt's ER visit...and a little humor :)

I woke up (probably around 2:10-2:15) and realized that Matt wasn't in bed and that our bedroom door was wide open. I vaguely remembered being half asleep and hearing him walking around in the kitchen, assuming he was just getting water, and falling back asleep. Because I was only half awake when he got up I couldn't really judge how long he had been out of bed. I didn't hear him in the kitchen anymore (the floors creak alot) and the bathroom light wasn't on and I couldn't hear any noise from the bathroom. I tried to just fall back asleep telling myself "you're freaking yourself out for nothing" but I couldn't. I thought "maybe he sleep-walked and ended up falling asleep in the living room" but I doubted that. Finally after what felt like forever, I see him walking from the bathroom. I said "....Matt?" thinking he might have been asleep, and then I asked him if he was ok. He rolled into bed holding his right lower abdomen and said that it hurt really bad, but not like his stomach hurt, more like a pain, and that it woke him up. My first thought was "isn't your appendix in that general area?" so I got my computer and googled it. His symptons didn't seem consistent with appendicitis from what I read, but I knew that if it WAS it could be serious and not something to ignore. So I called my mom because I didn't really know where to take him and he was not about to let me call 911.

We left the house around 3:00 and arrive at Whittier Pres. around 3:10. There was no one in the Emergency Room so he got taken in pretty quick. They took 3 vials of blood and wanted a urine sample but Matt had gone to the bathroom right before we left. At one point waiting for the nurse to come with the blood sample supplies he started feeling the pain severely (we're wondering now if that was when the stone actually passed if there actually was one) and more towards his back. Anyways, they hooked him up to an IV to give him pain killers & fluid so they could take a urine sample and then the dr. came in. Boy I was shocked to see that it was Rick Fox, the dad of a kid I was in band with (he never recognized me). It was reassuring to know though that he was a Christian, even though he had no clue who we were. He examined Matt and said that it sounded more like kidney stones than appendicitis and then left us to wait for the urine sample. After they took the urine sample, it apparently didn't show anything conclusive because they took him for a CT scan around 4:55. Around 5:45 Dr. Fox came in and said that Matt was a "quandry" because while they did find a few kidney stones IN his kidney, they didn't see any blockages and it didn't appear that there was a recent passing of a kidney stone. It was possible that it was very small and that's why no evidence of it. Also, his appedix was slightly enlarged. He examined Matt again to make sure it wasn't appendicitis and then said that we could go home. If the pain returns or doesn't completely go away (it was now down to just a dull ache in his back) in 24 hours then to come back.

So we got home around 6:00 and were finally able to sleep. He says now the pain in the same as when we left the hospital - just a dull ache. Thanks for all your prayers! Gotta love facebook & blackberry!

In lighter news, I'm at my parent's house at the moment to do laundry and Caleb ran in to tell me that he "got his own iTunes" (Chelsea made him a playlist lol). So he has it on in the living room and "American Pie" came on. He ran into the kitchen where my mom and I were and said "Mom, you should sing this song if you go on American Idol." So we asked him what he would sing if he went on American Idol and he said "oh, and easy one...Batman."