I'm treasured, I am sacred, I am His

So I apparently failed at my last committment to post regularly but I'm going to try again! Lots has happened in the past 3 months, I'd have to say they have been the hardest 3 months of our marriage, if not my life! I'd like to say that's the reason I haven't blogged, and it's part of the reason, but mostly it's just because I don't think of it. Anyways, I've been dealing with alot of personal and relational issues. Being confronted with my own brokenness and sin in ways that I never have before. But God has been (AND IS) gracious and has brought us through this time to be a better, stronger couple and it's amazing what He can redeem. Throughout the ups and downs of the past 3 months, I've been moved to emotions more deeply than I was used to; especially by music. There have been 3 songs in particular that have spoken to me not only in the darkest times - when I've felt the the most hopeless and horrible - but also in my life now - as I look back with immense gratitude for God being able to heal not only my own heart but the hearts of those who I caused pain to. It's interesting to hear these songs now and be able to smile and reflect on God's goodness and mercy and healing power and remember how not too long ago I would literally break down crying if the came on over the radio, overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, guilt and hopelessness. I've occasionally thought about how songs that are my "absolute favorite" songs at one point in my life get completely forgotten as life moves on. So I thought it would be good to write down the songs that have been able to express my emotions over the past months better than I can myself so that I can remember what God has brought me, Matt and our marriage through. The first, "Beautiful", by MercyMe is probably the most significant. It came on the radio the first day I realized what was in my own heart. When I was reeling from the realization that I had let something creep into my life that I was completely unaware of and finally faced the feelings I had been trying to ignore for so long. It spoke to me of what I felt, what I longed for. As time went on and I struggled with thoughts and feelings and actions I never thought I would be capable of, feeling like at times I had a handle and could let go of things and move on, and other times feeling like there was no way out and no point in trying, different parts of the song meant more to me than others. Being that the Fish plays songs reptitively, this song seemed to come on the radio at many crucial moments over the past few months reminding me of the truth. For the first month or so, anytime I heard it I would cry. Now, I can listen to it with joy as I think back on how I DID feel those things but that God has brought me hope and encouragement.

Days will come when you don't have the strength/And all you hear is you're not worth anything/Wondering if you ever could be loved/And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are made for so much more than all of this/You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His/You're beautiful Praying that you have the heart to fight/Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight/For all the lies you've held inside so long/But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are made for so much more than all of this/You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His/You're beautiful Before you ever took a breath/Long before the world began/Of all the wonders He possessed/There was one more precious/Of all the earth and skies above/You're the one He madly loves/Enough to die! You're beautiful!/You are made for so much more than all of this/You're beautiful!/You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His/You're beautiful!

"Come Ye Sinners Poor and Needy" is an old hymn that a friend who knew the situation read to me. It was a great reminder of my need to go to Jesus and that it was ok to need Him! We've sung it a few times in church since then and each time it humbles me again to remember that I need Him to overcome my brokenness and sin, it cannot be done on my own strength. Specifically the 2nd verse hit me; I don't have to have it all together before going to Jesus, I can go to Him broken and wretched as I am, that's when He wants us.

Come, ye sinners, poor and needy/Weak and wounded, sick and sore/Jesus ready stands to save you/Full of pity, love and power.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden/Lost and ruined by the fall/If you tarry till you’re better/You will never come at all.

Let not conscience make you linger/Not of fitness fondly dream/All the fitness He requireth/Is to feel your need of Him.

The last song, "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North, I actually didn't hear until I was through the dark times, but it still resonates with how I felt and the bridge is a reminder of God's purpose for taking me through those dark times. I remember feeling like the girl they sing about in the first verses...how did I get there? I'm not who I once was. I remember feeling like I didn't know who I was...the brokenness and vulnerability I was seeing in myself was foreign, I didn't know how to...be! But now, the chorus is what speaks most to me, that it's not about what's been done or where I've been, but where my brokenness has brought me to - a deeper understand of what Christ has done for me, that while I am yet a sinner, He died for me.

There's a girl in the corner/With tear stains on her eyes/From the places she's wandered/And the shame she can't hide She says, "How did I get here?/I'm not who I once was/And I'm crippled by the fear/That I've fallen too far to love" But don't you know who you are/What's been done for you?/Yeah don't you know who you are? You are more than the choices that you've made/You are more than the sum of your past mistakes/You are more than the problems you create/You've been remade. Well she tries to believe it/That she's been given new life/But she can't shake the feeling/That it's not true tonight She knows all the answers/And she's rehearsed all the lines/And so she'll try to do better/But then she's too weak to try But don't you know who you are? You are more than the choices that you've made/You are more than the sum of your past mistakes/You are more than the problems you create/You've been remade 'Cause this is not about what you've done/But what's been done for you/This is not about where you've been/But where your brokenness brings you to This is not about what you feel/But what He felt to forgive you/And what He felt to make you loved. You are more than the choices that you've made/You are more than the sum of your past mistakes/You are more than the problems you create/You've been remade