24.1

As I was falling asleep last night I had a ton of things going through my brain to blog about. Now that I'm sitting down to actually do it, I can't remember what the heck it was...

So far I've only gained 6lbs. My doctor says that's a good number, and I'm happy that I'm still basically completely mobile. Yes, my body hurts more than it did before, but it's not a constant pain or something I can't handle...just little aches. I did have a few days of bad heart burn but that's pretty under control as long as I don't eat too soon before going to bed. So all in all I'm feeling pretty good.

I feel Noah moving a lot now; a week ago he had a CRAZY day-long dance party or something because every time I sat still I would feel him kicking. It was fun because Matt was able to really feel him move a couple times. Otherwise it's just little flutters/rolling sensations that can't be felt too much on the outside.

We started our Bradley classes this Monday. The first class was a little slow, being an introduction and all, but I'm really looking forward to the next classes. I think it will reinforce a lot of what I know and help me put it into practice as well as really give Matt concrete tools to be involved with the labor and delivery.

Well, I'm not sure if any of those things I wrote about were what I was thinking of last night but that'll have to do!

Halfway there!

Well, technically now halfway+1 week. Dec. 6 marked my halfway point (technically 21 weeks, the whole calendar vs. lunar week blah blah stuff is kinda confusing). I had Matt take this picture but he was in a rush to get to the gym so I had to settle for one with me talking (which I guess is probably pretty appropriate for me...) and my hair in my mouth! Just to clarify, I was trying to tell him to take the picture vertically rather than horizontally but oh well!

I'm officially in maternity clothes now...though I think it's more because I just have no warm weather clothes to begin with so I had to buy some and figured it's pointless to buy non-maternity clothes at the moment. I scored 3 really cute shirts on clearance at Target for $5-7 each so I was excited!

In general, life has fallen into a pretty good routine. I've had a good amount of energy and spend my time working on stuff at home (whether it's actually stuff house work, helping Matt and his mom with starting up the new business or projects for church) and relaxing while I can. Part of me sometimes feels guilty for having so much "free time" but I also know that in a few months there will be a shortage of it so I'm counting my blessings and appreciating it now. Heck, even just thinking about all the baby prep I want to do once the holidays are over I'm thinking my "free time" will be gone sooner than Noah's arrival.

Anyway, didn't have much news to post but figured I'd post the picture :)

Verdict's in!

It's a boy!

You can interpret that exclamation point in a variety of ways...I'm not quite sure how I intend it myself actually. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against having a boy in and of itself. I just felt so strongly that it was a girl that I almost feel like something's wrong! I didn't realize how much I was mentally prepping for a girl. Now when I look at all the things I had planned or bookmarked for the baby's room or registry, even at the time thinking I was being gender neutral, everything feels WAY too girly. I think I had also grown really attached to the girl name we had picked out. And it's not that I don't want to plan for a boy, but I feel like the past 3-4 months of planning are now "wasted" because I feel like I have to start from scratch. Yes, I know it's not entirely true, but that's how I feel...and lately I have no explanation or reasoning for how I feel lol

I think another thing that puts a damper on my excitement is the unfamiliarity of a boy. Again, it's more about my personality of having to have things planned and under control more than the fact that it's actually a boy. I think I just assumed a girl would be way easier because I would know what to do with a girl, being one myself. Now with a boy there's all these things I keep thinking I'll encounter that are going to be SO foreign to me! I know, I know, even if it was a girl doesn't mean she'd be anything like me, so it would probably be just as foreign. That's my logical thought process but it didn't affect how I felt that way. I joked with Matt when we left the dr. office "well, it's a boy, he's yours!".

I know I'll get over it, I already feel a lot better today than I did yesterday. I think it's just going to take time to adjust my thinking to "boy" instead of "girl". And I also think that once Thanksgiving is over and I can actually get into the room and start implementing some of my basic ideas that it will come together.

In the meantime, yes, it's a boy. Yes, we're excited, but don't expect me to be bouncing off the walls just yet. It's not the boy that bums me out, it's the thinking about planning for "a boy" that's stressing me out and killing a little bit of the excitement for me lol It helps not to dwell on it too much, yet...I'm sure once I'm over it I'll be ridiculously annoying about how excited I am again :)

17 Weeks

17 weeks along and I can finally say I'm feeling good! Well, I have for the past 2 weeks but I've been a little busy! I've found that if I am consistent with taking my prenatal vitamins every night then I don't get any headaches and have a good amount of energy. But if I skip taking them, then about 2 days after I skipped one I'll have a bad day with headaches and fatigue. It's nice to know I can actively do something about how I was feeling and it's a good motivation to take the vitamins (I was not very good at remembering to take them...).

The past 2 weeks or so were insanely busy with trying to get ready for the Light of Christmas boutique. As always, I told myself I would work on my products all throughout the year but didn't start until a week before the boutique was happening. Throw in there hosting the annual non-Halloween Halloween party and spending a day down in San Diego with Sheena to see the So You Think You Can Dance tour and the day the boutique was over I slept 13 hours! But it was a fun week regardless of them not doing "I Got You" and the rain and cold that threatened the boutique. One big perk was that my mom came to help get the house ready for the party which meant my shower and kitchen sink got really good scrubbings!

Now that I feel like I'm finally showing enough to not just look chubby (hehe) I need to take some preggo belly pictures. Oh! And that reminds me, I'm SOOO super excited to have scheduled my maternity photo session with an old friend. It's not until March but I've been waiting for a reason to take a real family photo session every since my wedding. Learned the hard way then that pictures are worth investing in so this time around I'm not skimping.

15 weeks!

Yay for 2nd trimester! While I can't say it's all fun and games, it has gotten significantly better! No more agonizing headaches all day, every day. I still get them more often than not, but usually it's in the evening. If it's during the day, usually a nap can take care of it. Still more tired than pre-preggo but not nearly as exhausted as the first trimester! One thing I've noticed is I'm having trouble sleeping soundly. I read about it in my Dr. Sears book but didn't realize how noticeably different it'd be. I feel like I never fall deeper asleep than REM sleep so I can remember all my crazy dreams very vividly and I wake up feeling not very rested. Strangely, if I take a nap during the day on the couch I seem to be able to sleep deeper.

I had my first official OB appointment yesterday, they did another US which put me at 15w, 2 days (according to my original US I am 15 w today which is what I'm sticking with). Again, the pictures from the dr. office (vs. the clinic) aren't very good but I will post them once I get them scanned, there's a cute one of baby sucking their thumb :) The most exciting thing is that we scheduled our anatomy US. So come Nov. 21 we'll finally know what we're having! So far all unbiased opinions/feelings and all my dreams have said girl. Even Matt says for some reason he's always thought of the baby as a girl since the beginning. So we'll see if we're right!

PICTURES!!!

Face on, 12 wks, 1 day

Profile shot!

From my first ultrasound, 8 wks, 0 days

Guess it's time for an update...

Not much has happened or changed since the last time I posted. Life has been "boring", but that means I've been able to just relax and rest and take advantage of my month completely off work. Next week I'm going to go back into the office for one day a week to work on weddings that I have coming up and other projects I was in the midst of.

As far as morning sickness goes, my ability to do much hasn't changed but it has switched from nausea/stomach ache to really killer headaches. The last 3 days have been the best in that area that I've had in about 2 weeks and I was able to go grocery shopping, catch up on some bills & paperwork stuff, make a real dinner last night and even FINALLY broke in the bread machine! And we finally got our insurance cards so I made my first dr. appointment for next Tuesday (10/4). I guess the next OB appointment opening they have isn't until 10/12 and since I'd be past my first trimester and they have first trimester blood work they want to do they went ahead and scheduled a regular check-up. So I don't really know what to expect. It was kind of nice not going to the dr. because I know now I'm going to be presented with all the options of what genetic tests and vaccines and blah blah blah...I guess this is just the start of a lot of decisions I/we will have to make for our child(ren).

I did weigh myself again, though the circumstances (time of day and what scale I used) were different. About a month ago I weighed myself at my parent's and I weighed 139 (made sense as I was about 136 last time I weighed in at the gym before I started my personal training) but yesterday when I weighed myself I was only 129. I don't know if it's the difference circumstances or the fact that I haven't been very active the past month and I've maybe lost some of the muscle I was building up while working out. So we'll see how that all goes...I'm hoping to be able to resume working out and my personal training for the remainder of the pregnancy once I'm done with my first trimester (Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday!!!!!)

Ups and downs!

Saturday-Monday were really good days! I dared to think it was the end of the morning sickness! But yesterday and today have been no fun! Not as bad as Wednesday-Friday of last week but probably close to that bad.

A lot of change has happened in the past week, had 2 meetings with my respective bosses and as of last Friday I officially am not working for at LEAST 3 months. My official duties with WPCC are done as of last Tuesday though I still hope to be involved with the ministry in the future as a volunteer to help with planning events. I knew I would probably leave after the banquet in November but my sickness came at a time when it was crucial for me to be able to perform my duties in a timely fashion and I wasn't able to. All involved thought it best to hand over the responsibilities to someone else who is more reliable. I'm sad that I'm not capable of doing it but it's a relief as I was worried I would let them down by not being able to fulfill my responsibilities. Then on Friday I met with Zoro and he asked that I take at least 3 months off from all my responsibilities at church (knowing I probably would have a hard time making that decision myself!). I will be training some of the other leaders on some of the little admin stuff I had been taking care of and also training Justin's new intern on some of the admin stuff I did as well. There's not THAT much that I can train them on as most of my responsibilities were random tasks I was asked to do. I still want to be involved with my 3 small group girls through their graduation from high school (they're starting their junior year) but we'll see if that's in the capacity of their official small group leader or just as a friend/mentor. I will revisit being a regular youth group leader again in December.

It's been an interesting first week with absolutely no responsibilities. It's a little frustrating because I don't feel well enough to do all the things around the house I want to do now that I have the time but I know that will come. I'm planning on spending a lot of time in crafting for the Light of Christmas boutique in November and after that work on getting the house ready for baby!

God has given me such a peace about "losing" such important things in my life all in one week. I was surprised at how willing I was to let go of these things (and both decisions being not exactly my own). I was worried before thinking about how I would make the decisions/react to stop working but I think God has been preparing my heart for it and it's been a smoother transition that I expected. Now if I just felt well I wouldn't feel so bored and lazy!

Now it's REALLY official!

Yesterday I finally got to go in to WPCC (Whittier Pregnancy Care Clinic) to get my first ultrasound! I've been waiting for Matt to be home from his work traveling so he could be there with me. I realized after seeing the images and talking to Kathie, the nurse (a dear co-worker and friend) that up until now the only confirmation I've had that I was indeed pregnant was the home pregnancy test I took. Granted, the symptoms are hard to argue with but WHAT IF it was all psychological!? Baby measured 8 weeks, 0 days which is only one day off what I had calculated. That means my official due date is April 17, 2012. I'll post the ultrasound pics soon, but just imagine a little teddy graham cracker (that's about the same size too). Baby has a strong heart beat (a good sign) of 169 beats per min. and was 16mm long. So cool to see the little arms and legs and he/she even danced a bit for us. I had my mom and Rachel come along as well.

In other baby news, all the typical pregnancy symptoms are in full swing. I had my first experience of being strangely emotional on Monday (Labor Day). I was exhausted after a BBQ at my parents and on the drive home suddenly all I wanted was to be lying on the cold tile floor at Yata's house on the blue fuzzy blanket with white flowers watching TV with her. It was super weird...I don't know if it's because the feelings nausea remind me of that...(that was the default whenever we were sick growing up) or what, but the whole picture came into my mind and it almost made me cry! I feel like the "morning" sickness has gotten worse over the past few days but the fatigue isn't quite as bad. I still sleep a lot at night but I haven't been taking as many naps during the day as before. I don't know if that's really good or not as I'm still not able to be very productive since the nausea kicks in pretty much anytime I try to get up and move around. Oh, but every moment is so worth it! I'm blessed to be able to just relax and not do too much while feeling sick, mad props to others that deal with this and have to keep working and/or take care of other kids!!! I'm also getting ridiculous cravings! Nothing consistent though so it's not like I can just keep something in the house. Today it's been celery with peanut butter and Pillsbury crescent rolls or biscuits. I was super excited to find I had crescent rolls in the house only to see they expired June 2010...oops :(

Hopefully within the next week or two I will be able to go in for an actual doctors appointment. I'm so excited that we have new insurance through Matt's work which means I can deliver at Pres!! It's nice to have so many people I trust able to give references for doctors and give me their personal experiences at the hospital.

'scuse me, you have pooh on your back...

As promised, here is the story/explanation of my tattoo. (And you can lay off the jokes...I've heard them all!)

Earlier this year I started watching Miami Ink on Netflix. It's a fun show that I had seen a lot while Matt and I were dating and while I never had any personal desire for a tattoo it was interesting. I've never had an "issue" with tattoos, don't think they're morally wrong, I just never had the desire to put something permanently on my body. I remember asking Matt if he liked them and he said he likes bare skin just fine. For me, that was a good enough reason to not get one (I kinda thought if he DID like them maybe I'd get one for him). So back to this year, I watched all 6 seasons and seeing the amazing artwork that is possible now (tattoos aren't just naked women or anchors on crusty old sailors) I thought a tattoo would be cool but still wasn't serious as I didn't have anything of significance to get a tattoo of and didn't want to get one "just for fun". The thought of a "just for fun" tattoo scared me, I felt like to be sure I would be happy with something permanently on my body, the chances would be higher if it was something that had significance. So I kinda thought about what would have significance for me and the one idea I had was something related to Winnie the Pooh. Trust me, I got plenty of flak for that (my sisters still hate the fact that I have a "Pooh tattoo") but Winnie the Pooh has always been special to me. I took over/inherited my mom's WtP collection in high school and it's always been my favorite Disney character; was never into the Disney princesses. I knew I would want a Classic Pooh image and kinda settled on the "Poohsticks" scene because it was less an image of Pooh himself and more of a scenic image that just so happened to have him in it. Still, I thought "I'll never get it, the image itself doesn't have a REAL significance to my life and unless I knew ahead of time it would end up EXACTLY as I wanted, I would be too hesitant to go through with it". And that's when I found the quote....

"Rivers know this: there is no rush. We shall get there someday."

For a bear of very little brains, he sure has some wisdom! The quote doesn't specifically go with the image but the river in the image is a reminder to me of the quote. Now, why is that quote significant to me? You all know I am a fast-paced, energetic, impatient person. More specifically, this whole thing came together (the desire for a tattoo, the image, the quote) about 1 1/2 years into our trying to have a baby. As I mentioned in my last post, in April 2010, 2 months after we decided to stop preventing pregnancy, I had a miscarriage early on. While it was nice to know I COULD get pregnant, it was very frustrating to go throughout that next 15 months not getting pregnant and imagining what life would be like if I hadn't miscarried. Just as this whole tattoo idea came together I came to a greater peace about being patient in the process and letting God timing prevail (not that I could really do anything to change God's timing in getting pregnant, but I could change my attitude towards it). The quote would pop into my mind when I would think with frustration on how another birthday was going by without having a baby, when I would hear of another friend that was expecting, or something else that would bring to light the fact that we were STILL trying. But still, I was so nervous about finding the right artist, the sizing, placement, etc. I figured I'd never go through with it.

Then one day my uncle called me and asked if I would go with him when he went to get a tattoo of my grandma who passed away early last year. I thought it'd be interesting and knew it'd mean a lot to him (I was always his favorite niece). Just on a whim I decided to take the picture of "Poohsticks" to get an actual tattoo artist's opinion on it. I thought to get the detail it'd have to be bigger and I didn't want it big, didn't know how well it would translate into a tattoo, how much it would potentially cost, how long it would take, basically I was clueless. Once there, I showed my uncle's tattoo artist the image and he asked another artist who wasn't busy what she thought. Her face lit up when I showed it to her. She talked about how she has all her Winnie the Pooh books from her child with all her own doodles all over the pages and that she would LOVE to do that as a tattoo. She gave me a price (which was way less than I expected) and said she could fit me in right then if I wanted, otherwise I might not get in for another month or so. I wasn't going to do anything without Matt's input so I called him...waited for an hour for him to call back, and he said I could go for it (ok, so there was a lot more to the conversation than that and a lot more going on in my head before coming to that conclusion). As soon as I said I would go for it, I expected to be freaked out, but I was super calm and confident in the decision!

The tattoo itself took about 2 1/2 hours including the 40 minutes of break we took. Would have been less but, not planning on getting a tattoo and being there so late, I didn't eat and I passed out with about 20 min. left to go. In talking with my artists, she told me that she actually was a children's book illustrator before going into tattooing! I know it sounds silly but I feel God just lined it all up for me. So many things could have stopped me that day, but I'm so happy with how it turned out (I have had multiple people tell me it looks fake because it's so colorful or that it looks like I just taped a page from the book on my shoulder). 3 weeks later, I have not a single twinge of regret and fall in love with it even more every time I look at it in the mirror.

And God has such a sense of humor! I guess me being serious enough about waiting on His timing to permanently put a reminder on my body was all it took! (jk of course). I got my tattoo on a Tuesday and found out I was pregnant that Saturday!!! And honestly, it just makes the tattoo that much more significant because it's now a reminder of this week in my life when I was finally letting go of this desire that I held onto so tightly and also when God gave me that desire.

So there you have it...if you have problems with it or negative opinions, I hold nothing against you for having them but to be honest, there's no point in sharing those with me because what's done is done, the people that have the most weight in my life were consulted prior to my decision and I am at peace with my decision. You can choose to appreciate the beauty of the art itself and/or rejoice in the fact that it's a reminder to me of God's faithfulness in something that has been my heart's desire for as long as I can remember or not.

In process, this is with partial outlining done

Immediately after it was done. Minimal redness and swelling, a sign of a good artist!

The newest "new" Hamel!

Well, I guess it's time to actually blog as I have something pretty significant to blog about! After a year and a half, one miscarriage and countless disappointing negative pregnancy tests, we are PREGNANT!! Here's some excerpts of the story that I sent in an e-mail to some close friends... (I apologize if it's a little TMI but I took out anything I felt wasn't necessary to the story)

"Back in March I finally called Kaiser to see if I could get some sort of consultation for fertility...just to maybe have tests done or even be told I'm normal just wait for it to happen. Well, we're not covered for "fertility treatments" but they said I could come in for a 30 min. consultation. It was bogus...the Dr. ended up saying "well because you're not covered for in fertility treatments I can't even discuss it with you" but he did want to do some testing to see why my periods were so irregular. He suspected I had Poly-Cycstic Ovarian Syndrome. I said I doubted that since I didn't have any symptoms that are typical (I have quite a few close friends with it, they all struggle with hair growth, weight gain, horrible periods, bad skin, etc.). He said PCOS is just a broad diagnosis for hormonal imbalances so it still could be it. He did some testing and my bloodwork came back showing high testosterone levels which would explain my irregularly spaced periods. He gave me a perscription to take every 6 weeks to cause me to have a period since not having one can be a health risk. I decided not to take the meds yet as I wanted to do more research into what it'd actually do, I didn't want to be taking anything that would possibly change my chances of getting pregnant. He also said the only way to treat my high testosterone levels were with birth control pills (uh...kinda defeats the whole purpose)). So I was really frustrated with him and decided to not really pursue any treatment or anything until Matt got his new insurance (that will start in 2-4 weeks) [side note: now next week]. Ironically, since I was prescribed that medication my cycles have been pretty regular on their own!

So fast forward to end of July. This time around I wasn't thinking I might be pregnant AT ALL because of timing. The thought crossed my mind that Tuesday when I was filling out paperwork to get my tattoo (which ironically is significant to me because it's a reminder to wait on God's timing, specifically with getting pregnant, more on that in another post) but I really thought "well, we missed our chance this month".

A few days later I thought maybe I was late but because my cycles are so irregular I, again, wasn't really suspicious but I thought "oh, I'll just take a test". Matt was gone for work until Friday night so I decided I'd take it Saturday morning. Of all the millions of pregnancy tests I feel like I've done in the past 1 1/2 years, this one I was the least hopeful for being positive!!! I always tell myself not to get my hopes up but can't help feeling that twinge of sadness and frustration and disappointment when I would get a negative result. I stared at this one totally expecting a negative and was kinda in shock when it wasn't!

We told pretty much everyone within 3 days (sorry, I can't keep secrets!) and according to my calculations my due date is around April 16. I can't believe this past week I got a tattoo, drank alcohol, almost dyed my hair, whacked myself in the stomach pretty hard taking the trash cans out and spend 3 hours lifting heavy boxes at work!!! haha This poor baby!!!"

Everyone keeps asking me what Matt's reaction was. Well, he was asleep when I took the test and had no idea I was going to take it (I took so many I started not even telling him so he wouldn't get his hopes up). So I woke him up and just said "look...." and gave him the test. It took him a few seconds to even acknowledge was he was looking at, then he said "but there's no plus..." (the negative line didn't show up well, but the positive line was very clear). I told him "no no, that's not the line that matters!!!" and he just kind of stared at it for a while and then said something like "wow...". Not a very exciting reaction, but fits him. I think we have both been anticipating it for so long, now that it was real we didn't know what to do!

So, now being about 7 weeks preggo...how do I feel? (I get this question from MULTIPLE people every day). I feel like something is not normal with my body, it's kinda of weird not having any baby bump or being able to feel the baby to remind me why I feel this way, but at least I know why. The first two weeks I knew I was just extremely tired, peeing a lot and craving lots of carbs. I was praying to dodge the morning sickness as my mom didn't get it really with any of us. But this past Sunday it seems to have kicked in. It's not unbearable, but it's not sticking to the morning...more like comes in waves throughout the entire day. I can usually stave it off by munching on something but little sounds appetizing at the time. Thank goodness I have a pretty relaxed work schedule and have been able to sleep in and take a lot of naps. I guess it's practice for when the baby does come as I've been choosing naps rather than do household chores when I find pockets of time.

'til next time, preggers out!

I have the best family....EVER!

1st ever Cousins + Others Day was a complete success!!! Just made me think about the amazing legacy my grandparents left. All their grandchildren and their spouses/significant others are living for Jesus and are so close to each other. I can just imagine them being so proud of us, especially Yoto. I think it was Joel today that said "crazy how flavor can bring back so many memories!". I think that would make Yata happier than anything else! To sum up today:

Cousins + Skype + Carnitas + Martian Salad + Cidral + Horchata + Jarritos + Masa Pan + Yata's Rice + Paletas + The Court Jester + Easter Egg Hunt + Realizing we're our parents (haha) = best day ever!!!!!

Can't wait to post the picture we took of "all" of us cousins while Skyping with the Allevatos!

I'm treasured, I am sacred, I am His

So I apparently failed at my last committment to post regularly but I'm going to try again! Lots has happened in the past 3 months, I'd have to say they have been the hardest 3 months of our marriage, if not my life! I'd like to say that's the reason I haven't blogged, and it's part of the reason, but mostly it's just because I don't think of it. Anyways, I've been dealing with alot of personal and relational issues. Being confronted with my own brokenness and sin in ways that I never have before. But God has been (AND IS) gracious and has brought us through this time to be a better, stronger couple and it's amazing what He can redeem. Throughout the ups and downs of the past 3 months, I've been moved to emotions more deeply than I was used to; especially by music. There have been 3 songs in particular that have spoken to me not only in the darkest times - when I've felt the the most hopeless and horrible - but also in my life now - as I look back with immense gratitude for God being able to heal not only my own heart but the hearts of those who I caused pain to. It's interesting to hear these songs now and be able to smile and reflect on God's goodness and mercy and healing power and remember how not too long ago I would literally break down crying if the came on over the radio, overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, guilt and hopelessness. I've occasionally thought about how songs that are my "absolute favorite" songs at one point in my life get completely forgotten as life moves on. So I thought it would be good to write down the songs that have been able to express my emotions over the past months better than I can myself so that I can remember what God has brought me, Matt and our marriage through. The first, "Beautiful", by MercyMe is probably the most significant. It came on the radio the first day I realized what was in my own heart. When I was reeling from the realization that I had let something creep into my life that I was completely unaware of and finally faced the feelings I had been trying to ignore for so long. It spoke to me of what I felt, what I longed for. As time went on and I struggled with thoughts and feelings and actions I never thought I would be capable of, feeling like at times I had a handle and could let go of things and move on, and other times feeling like there was no way out and no point in trying, different parts of the song meant more to me than others. Being that the Fish plays songs reptitively, this song seemed to come on the radio at many crucial moments over the past few months reminding me of the truth. For the first month or so, anytime I heard it I would cry. Now, I can listen to it with joy as I think back on how I DID feel those things but that God has brought me hope and encouragement.

Days will come when you don't have the strength/And all you hear is you're not worth anything/Wondering if you ever could be loved/And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are made for so much more than all of this/You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His/You're beautiful Praying that you have the heart to fight/Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight/For all the lies you've held inside so long/But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are made for so much more than all of this/You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His/You're beautiful Before you ever took a breath/Long before the world began/Of all the wonders He possessed/There was one more precious/Of all the earth and skies above/You're the one He madly loves/Enough to die! You're beautiful!/You are made for so much more than all of this/You're beautiful!/You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His/You're beautiful!

"Come Ye Sinners Poor and Needy" is an old hymn that a friend who knew the situation read to me. It was a great reminder of my need to go to Jesus and that it was ok to need Him! We've sung it a few times in church since then and each time it humbles me again to remember that I need Him to overcome my brokenness and sin, it cannot be done on my own strength. Specifically the 2nd verse hit me; I don't have to have it all together before going to Jesus, I can go to Him broken and wretched as I am, that's when He wants us.

Come, ye sinners, poor and needy/Weak and wounded, sick and sore/Jesus ready stands to save you/Full of pity, love and power.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden/Lost and ruined by the fall/If you tarry till you’re better/You will never come at all.

Let not conscience make you linger/Not of fitness fondly dream/All the fitness He requireth/Is to feel your need of Him.

The last song, "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North, I actually didn't hear until I was through the dark times, but it still resonates with how I felt and the bridge is a reminder of God's purpose for taking me through those dark times. I remember feeling like the girl they sing about in the first verses...how did I get there? I'm not who I once was. I remember feeling like I didn't know who I was...the brokenness and vulnerability I was seeing in myself was foreign, I didn't know how to...be! But now, the chorus is what speaks most to me, that it's not about what's been done or where I've been, but where my brokenness has brought me to - a deeper understand of what Christ has done for me, that while I am yet a sinner, He died for me.

There's a girl in the corner/With tear stains on her eyes/From the places she's wandered/And the shame she can't hide She says, "How did I get here?/I'm not who I once was/And I'm crippled by the fear/That I've fallen too far to love" But don't you know who you are/What's been done for you?/Yeah don't you know who you are? You are more than the choices that you've made/You are more than the sum of your past mistakes/You are more than the problems you create/You've been remade. Well she tries to believe it/That she's been given new life/But she can't shake the feeling/That it's not true tonight She knows all the answers/And she's rehearsed all the lines/And so she'll try to do better/But then she's too weak to try But don't you know who you are? You are more than the choices that you've made/You are more than the sum of your past mistakes/You are more than the problems you create/You've been remade 'Cause this is not about what you've done/But what's been done for you/This is not about where you've been/But where your brokenness brings you to This is not about what you feel/But what He felt to forgive you/And what He felt to make you loved. You are more than the choices that you've made/You are more than the sum of your past mistakes/You are more than the problems you create/You've been remade