The newest "new" Hamel!

Well, I guess it's time to actually blog as I have something pretty significant to blog about! After a year and a half, one miscarriage and countless disappointing negative pregnancy tests, we are PREGNANT!! Here's some excerpts of the story that I sent in an e-mail to some close friends... (I apologize if it's a little TMI but I took out anything I felt wasn't necessary to the story)

"Back in March I finally called Kaiser to see if I could get some sort of consultation for fertility...just to maybe have tests done or even be told I'm normal just wait for it to happen. Well, we're not covered for "fertility treatments" but they said I could come in for a 30 min. consultation. It was bogus...the Dr. ended up saying "well because you're not covered for in fertility treatments I can't even discuss it with you" but he did want to do some testing to see why my periods were so irregular. He suspected I had Poly-Cycstic Ovarian Syndrome. I said I doubted that since I didn't have any symptoms that are typical (I have quite a few close friends with it, they all struggle with hair growth, weight gain, horrible periods, bad skin, etc.). He said PCOS is just a broad diagnosis for hormonal imbalances so it still could be it. He did some testing and my bloodwork came back showing high testosterone levels which would explain my irregularly spaced periods. He gave me a perscription to take every 6 weeks to cause me to have a period since not having one can be a health risk. I decided not to take the meds yet as I wanted to do more research into what it'd actually do, I didn't want to be taking anything that would possibly change my chances of getting pregnant. He also said the only way to treat my high testosterone levels were with birth control pills (uh...kinda defeats the whole purpose)). So I was really frustrated with him and decided to not really pursue any treatment or anything until Matt got his new insurance (that will start in 2-4 weeks) [side note: now next week]. Ironically, since I was prescribed that medication my cycles have been pretty regular on their own!

So fast forward to end of July. This time around I wasn't thinking I might be pregnant AT ALL because of timing. The thought crossed my mind that Tuesday when I was filling out paperwork to get my tattoo (which ironically is significant to me because it's a reminder to wait on God's timing, specifically with getting pregnant, more on that in another post) but I really thought "well, we missed our chance this month".

A few days later I thought maybe I was late but because my cycles are so irregular I, again, wasn't really suspicious but I thought "oh, I'll just take a test". Matt was gone for work until Friday night so I decided I'd take it Saturday morning. Of all the millions of pregnancy tests I feel like I've done in the past 1 1/2 years, this one I was the least hopeful for being positive!!! I always tell myself not to get my hopes up but can't help feeling that twinge of sadness and frustration and disappointment when I would get a negative result. I stared at this one totally expecting a negative and was kinda in shock when it wasn't!

We told pretty much everyone within 3 days (sorry, I can't keep secrets!) and according to my calculations my due date is around April 16. I can't believe this past week I got a tattoo, drank alcohol, almost dyed my hair, whacked myself in the stomach pretty hard taking the trash cans out and spend 3 hours lifting heavy boxes at work!!! haha This poor baby!!!"

Everyone keeps asking me what Matt's reaction was. Well, he was asleep when I took the test and had no idea I was going to take it (I took so many I started not even telling him so he wouldn't get his hopes up). So I woke him up and just said "look...." and gave him the test. It took him a few seconds to even acknowledge was he was looking at, then he said "but there's no plus..." (the negative line didn't show up well, but the positive line was very clear). I told him "no no, that's not the line that matters!!!" and he just kind of stared at it for a while and then said something like "wow...". Not a very exciting reaction, but fits him. I think we have both been anticipating it for so long, now that it was real we didn't know what to do!

So, now being about 7 weeks preggo...how do I feel? (I get this question from MULTIPLE people every day). I feel like something is not normal with my body, it's kinda of weird not having any baby bump or being able to feel the baby to remind me why I feel this way, but at least I know why. The first two weeks I knew I was just extremely tired, peeing a lot and craving lots of carbs. I was praying to dodge the morning sickness as my mom didn't get it really with any of us. But this past Sunday it seems to have kicked in. It's not unbearable, but it's not sticking to the morning...more like comes in waves throughout the entire day. I can usually stave it off by munching on something but little sounds appetizing at the time. Thank goodness I have a pretty relaxed work schedule and have been able to sleep in and take a lot of naps. I guess it's practice for when the baby does come as I've been choosing naps rather than do household chores when I find pockets of time.

'til next time, preggers out!

I have the best family....EVER!

1st ever Cousins + Others Day was a complete success!!! Just made me think about the amazing legacy my grandparents left. All their grandchildren and their spouses/significant others are living for Jesus and are so close to each other. I can just imagine them being so proud of us, especially Yoto. I think it was Joel today that said "crazy how flavor can bring back so many memories!". I think that would make Yata happier than anything else! To sum up today:

Cousins + Skype + Carnitas + Martian Salad + Cidral + Horchata + Jarritos + Masa Pan + Yata's Rice + Paletas + The Court Jester + Easter Egg Hunt + Realizing we're our parents (haha) = best day ever!!!!!

Can't wait to post the picture we took of "all" of us cousins while Skyping with the Allevatos!

I'm treasured, I am sacred, I am His

So I apparently failed at my last committment to post regularly but I'm going to try again! Lots has happened in the past 3 months, I'd have to say they have been the hardest 3 months of our marriage, if not my life! I'd like to say that's the reason I haven't blogged, and it's part of the reason, but mostly it's just because I don't think of it. Anyways, I've been dealing with alot of personal and relational issues. Being confronted with my own brokenness and sin in ways that I never have before. But God has been (AND IS) gracious and has brought us through this time to be a better, stronger couple and it's amazing what He can redeem. Throughout the ups and downs of the past 3 months, I've been moved to emotions more deeply than I was used to; especially by music. There have been 3 songs in particular that have spoken to me not only in the darkest times - when I've felt the the most hopeless and horrible - but also in my life now - as I look back with immense gratitude for God being able to heal not only my own heart but the hearts of those who I caused pain to. It's interesting to hear these songs now and be able to smile and reflect on God's goodness and mercy and healing power and remember how not too long ago I would literally break down crying if the came on over the radio, overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, guilt and hopelessness. I've occasionally thought about how songs that are my "absolute favorite" songs at one point in my life get completely forgotten as life moves on. So I thought it would be good to write down the songs that have been able to express my emotions over the past months better than I can myself so that I can remember what God has brought me, Matt and our marriage through. The first, "Beautiful", by MercyMe is probably the most significant. It came on the radio the first day I realized what was in my own heart. When I was reeling from the realization that I had let something creep into my life that I was completely unaware of and finally faced the feelings I had been trying to ignore for so long. It spoke to me of what I felt, what I longed for. As time went on and I struggled with thoughts and feelings and actions I never thought I would be capable of, feeling like at times I had a handle and could let go of things and move on, and other times feeling like there was no way out and no point in trying, different parts of the song meant more to me than others. Being that the Fish plays songs reptitively, this song seemed to come on the radio at many crucial moments over the past few months reminding me of the truth. For the first month or so, anytime I heard it I would cry. Now, I can listen to it with joy as I think back on how I DID feel those things but that God has brought me hope and encouragement.

Days will come when you don't have the strength/And all you hear is you're not worth anything/Wondering if you ever could be loved/And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are made for so much more than all of this/You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His/You're beautiful Praying that you have the heart to fight/Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight/For all the lies you've held inside so long/But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are made for so much more than all of this/You're beautiful, You're beautiful/You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His/You're beautiful Before you ever took a breath/Long before the world began/Of all the wonders He possessed/There was one more precious/Of all the earth and skies above/You're the one He madly loves/Enough to die! You're beautiful!/You are made for so much more than all of this/You're beautiful!/You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His/You're beautiful!

"Come Ye Sinners Poor and Needy" is an old hymn that a friend who knew the situation read to me. It was a great reminder of my need to go to Jesus and that it was ok to need Him! We've sung it a few times in church since then and each time it humbles me again to remember that I need Him to overcome my brokenness and sin, it cannot be done on my own strength. Specifically the 2nd verse hit me; I don't have to have it all together before going to Jesus, I can go to Him broken and wretched as I am, that's when He wants us.

Come, ye sinners, poor and needy/Weak and wounded, sick and sore/Jesus ready stands to save you/Full of pity, love and power.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden/Lost and ruined by the fall/If you tarry till you’re better/You will never come at all.

Let not conscience make you linger/Not of fitness fondly dream/All the fitness He requireth/Is to feel your need of Him.

The last song, "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North, I actually didn't hear until I was through the dark times, but it still resonates with how I felt and the bridge is a reminder of God's purpose for taking me through those dark times. I remember feeling like the girl they sing about in the first verses...how did I get there? I'm not who I once was. I remember feeling like I didn't know who I was...the brokenness and vulnerability I was seeing in myself was foreign, I didn't know how to...be! But now, the chorus is what speaks most to me, that it's not about what's been done or where I've been, but where my brokenness has brought me to - a deeper understand of what Christ has done for me, that while I am yet a sinner, He died for me.

There's a girl in the corner/With tear stains on her eyes/From the places she's wandered/And the shame she can't hide She says, "How did I get here?/I'm not who I once was/And I'm crippled by the fear/That I've fallen too far to love" But don't you know who you are/What's been done for you?/Yeah don't you know who you are? You are more than the choices that you've made/You are more than the sum of your past mistakes/You are more than the problems you create/You've been remade. Well she tries to believe it/That she's been given new life/But she can't shake the feeling/That it's not true tonight She knows all the answers/And she's rehearsed all the lines/And so she'll try to do better/But then she's too weak to try But don't you know who you are? You are more than the choices that you've made/You are more than the sum of your past mistakes/You are more than the problems you create/You've been remade 'Cause this is not about what you've done/But what's been done for you/This is not about where you've been/But where your brokenness brings you to This is not about what you feel/But what He felt to forgive you/And what He felt to make you loved. You are more than the choices that you've made/You are more than the sum of your past mistakes/You are more than the problems you create/You've been remade

I have decided...

to start blogging again. More for myself than for anyone else, to document the everyday happenings of our lives. I would love to be one of those people that journals but I find hand writing takes too much time for me. I'm much more of a "typer". That being said, I don't really have anthing to say for this post.

My new guilty pleasure

Ok, so I LOVE pretty much anything mango. Trader Joe's "Just Mango" dried mango is so good that I can eat a bag on the 10 min. drive home from the store (sadly, I do this semi-often and a bag is 4 servings...). But now that summer's here, they have mango sorbet!!!!!!!!! It's mango perfection. Seriously, it's the ripest, sweetest mango you've ever tasted (it tastes real, not like it's been sweetened), without the strings, skin or seed and it's nice and cold! I could eat the whole thing in one sitting but thankfully THAT I've never done :) I highly recommend getting some if you like mango. And go soon because it's not always available. Trader Joe's only keeps it in stock (same with their dried mango) when mango's are under a specific price so they never have to raise the price of the product. I stock up on both whenever they're available!

Then and now

Anniversary!!!

Well, yesterday was our 1st anniversary! We celebrated by taking a trip to Colorado for 4 days. We left late Wednesday night and went straight to bed, had Thursday-Saturday, and then left Sunday in the evening. Here are some picture highlights!

The Queen Anne Inn Bed & Breakfast

Red Rocks State Park

Gorgeous buildings we saw walking around

Blue Bear sculpture at the Convention Center

Colorado State Capitol

Downtown Aquarium: An Underwater Dining Adventure At the end of our 90 min. bus ride

Hammond's Candy Factory

Butterfly Pavilion